So,  Failure Is an Option?

 

I feel like such a failure.

Unfortunately, I have uttered those words to myself more times than I can count. I have spent countless nights wondering how and why. I have spent many hours at my work desk with a feeling of sadness and frustration. Like many people, I have attended many meetings in which my only focus was breaking away from the chains of a job that was simply not fulfilling my purpose.

Was I really a failure? Of course not. I had many things to be grateful for. But that didn’t stop me from feeling that way, time and time again. But why? Why was I ignoring all of the wonderful things happening in my life? Why was I focused so heavily on what was wrong? Did I subconsciously want to be unhappy? Was I simply accustomed to this feeling of being dissatisfied? Was I using negativity as a defense mechanism of some sort? The thought of that is intense (to say the least).

I like to consider myself to be a pretty happy person. I would’ve never considered myself to be one of those Negative Nancy’s that we hear about all too frequently. I mean,  I’m the one who loves to have people around, who enjoys going places with friends and family, who gets restless after I’ve sat still for too long. I’m the one who laughs at nothing, runs around the house like a kid, and is always ready to do something out of the norm. Is all of that genuine? Or am I masking a deeper issue? Am I using those things as temporary band-aids that help to ease the pain until Monday morning hits?

Honestly, I don’t have a clear answer to these questions (oh, how I wish I did!). But I did figure out that there were some vital things that have been contributing to my feelings of doubt and confusion.

1. I did not take time for myself. Though I attempted to enjoy myself, my daily life revolved around being a librarian, a mother, a wife and nothing else. Please don’t mishear me. My family means the world to me. Everything I do (and I mean everything) is for my family. They give me a reason to keep pushing. They help me to see the light that life has to offer. While this is all great, I still needed something that represented me. Who am I? What do I enjoy? I had an extremely difficult time figuring out the answer to these questions because it was never about me. This had to change. I had to find myself outside of those things. I had to search for the things that made me uniquely me. I had to sincerely learn myself. Focusing on this is exactly how “Trust What’s Next” was born.
2. I did not know what I wanted. Yes, I knew I wanted more but what did that even mean? Your desire for more means nothing if you don’t know what it is you actually want. I wasn’t doing anything but participating in a seemingly never-ending rat race that I didn’t want to be a part of. I complained, whined and moaned but still never really took the time discover my true desire. Don’t just say you want more. Be specific. Otherwise, you’re wasting your time.
3. I did not trust myself. For those who know me, this may come as a complete surprise. I always appear to have everything in order. My confidence level spews off of me wherever I go. I’m not afraid to speak up for myself (or for someone else for that matter), I’m not afraid to be the center of attention (if there’s a microphone anywhere nearby it’s almost a guarantee that I’ll grab it – so beware), and I’m always quick to give my two cents on any given topic. Surprisingly though, I question my every move. Even though I know how silly it is, I compare myself to others more than I’d like to admit. This isn’t out of jealousy or spite. It’s simply because I’m unsure of myself. As confident as I appear to be, I’m extremely doubtful in  my abilities. This is tragic. If I don’t see my own strength, how will anybody else? If I don’t believe in myself, how will anything move forward in my life? It won’t. So this, too, had to change. I had to understand that I am a beautiful being who has the ability to do wonderful things here on earth (the same is true for YOU). I’m emphatically rooting for all of us to win because I know we can. I’d be lying if I said I never have those feelings of self-doubt today. The great thing, however,  is that I now recognize it for what it is  and put it in check asap.

Hello world. I’m Tiffany…and I trust myself. Trust is a beautiful thing…

Listen to me when I say that the things you want are not out of reach. I repeat, the things you want are not out of reach. So let’s do this! =)

So, have you found yourself doing some of the same things? Have you failed to truly outline what it is that you want? Do you take the time needed to make it happen? Have you taken any steps toward your passion or do you simply complain about not being where you want to be? Inquiring minds want to know…